written/visual reminders of the awesomeness of life.

so, things have been really fucking great for me lately. I got all A's this semester, an iphone, a new car, soon to be getting a new macbook and lanvin happy bag. Then a new bed frame. Shit's going to be great. I'm going to try to make friends and take better care of myself, and get really good grades, and a job. I love my family and I am spending time with them right now. I'm excited about the new semester.

meh.

I've felt very good lately. Less like I want to be around people, but good. My friends have sort of pulled away from me, but if I don't care does that make it matter less? I don't like them less, I just need them less. Whatever. We'll see what happens.

Day 1

I took my first antidepressant last night, just half of a pill. I feel good, but subdued. Like, a little numb-ish. I'm not sure whether that's just because they can make you sleepy. But, I don't feel bad. I don't feel anxious. So, that's really good. We'll see. God, I hope these pills work! It would be a huge step for me. HUGE.

View more videos at: http://nbcnewyork.com.

fuck my life. but mostly others'.

I'm a piece of shit this week. I have lost my Dad to cancer, he had 4 re-occurrences in 7 years and finally passed away last spring. I can't express in words how hard that was to watch, and I didn't even like him very much. My grandmother has breast cancer. And now one of the best friends I have ever had, one of my favorite people in the whole world, has been diagnosed with cancer. I'm basically losing my shit right now. It's all the emotions I never confronted about my Dad's cancer. People die. I get that. But I just really hoped that I would never go through this again. Because it killed me a little bit to watch my Dad suffer. It makes you feel so helpless to watch people die slowly. I just need to be strong and be there for my friend. Because this is SO not about me, it's not even funny. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. I have to be a stronger person than I am right now, or I will not get through this.

FUCK.

I am thinking Intro to LGBTQ N/S Studies at 8am was a bad idea. I have been giving understanding the reading no effort whatsoever. And I'm not a morning person, at all. I read that material 3 times each and still came up empty-handed during the quiz and discussion. FUCK. This is reflecting badly on me, I look like a worse student than I actually am. So:

Reading (Twice) and taking notes on EVERYTHING.
Waking up even earlier, which means being on a SCHEDULE.

...is my plan of action. Let's see if the next 10% of my grade goes any better. Because at this rate, I'm getting a C at best.