Day 1

I took my first antidepressant last night, just half of a pill. I feel good, but subdued. Like, a little numb-ish. I'm not sure whether that's just because they can make you sleepy. But, I don't feel bad. I don't feel anxious. So, that's really good. We'll see. God, I hope these pills work! It would be a huge step for me. HUGE.

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fuck my life. but mostly others'.

I'm a piece of shit this week. I have lost my Dad to cancer, he had 4 re-occurrences in 7 years and finally passed away last spring. I can't express in words how hard that was to watch, and I didn't even like him very much. My grandmother has breast cancer. And now one of the best friends I have ever had, one of my favorite people in the whole world, has been diagnosed with cancer. I'm basically losing my shit right now. It's all the emotions I never confronted about my Dad's cancer. People die. I get that. But I just really hoped that I would never go through this again. Because it killed me a little bit to watch my Dad suffer. It makes you feel so helpless to watch people die slowly. I just need to be strong and be there for my friend. Because this is SO not about me, it's not even funny. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. I have to be a stronger person than I am right now, or I will not get through this.